Albert Einstein is a genius

The theory of releativity is a wonderful concept. According to most physicists, the faster one accelerates, the slower time passes. There are many complicated formulas to back up this claim. I've seen the chalkboards full of "numbers" and "variables". But I swear, Einstein had one lazy weekend, realized how quickly it passed, and created a "theory": .

"It's Monday already?!?! Eat my chunder cheese! Hmmm...eat my chunder cheese...emcc...E=MC2. Eureka! They're sure to buy that back at the lab. Maybe they'll give me another couple days off."

It's all relative. Out of all the quantum physics gobbledy-gook, this theory remains the most understood by the populus. The slower our lazy asses move, the faster we grow into old farts. This last weekend, for example, I slept in on Saturday and took a nap today. I can barely beleive that tomorrow in Monday. Chunder cheese indeed!

But it's not like I wasted my weekend. On Friday, I entered myself into a Magic: The Gathering tournament. It went something like this:



As annoying as these people are, it does not compare my first opponent that night. He pissed and moaned every step of the way. I'm not a violent man, nor am I one for confrontation, so it should be noted that I not only wanted to slap this man, I definitely told him that he was acting like a bratty 8 year-old and should not be playing the game. Fortunately, I kicked his ass in record time and got him to storm out of the card shop kicking and screaming. Not too many people rub me the wrong way (think goalie gloves) but this guy was worth punching.
If none of this captivated you in any way, not to worry. I am used to being somewhat of a pariah thanks to my dorky lifestyle. As Liam would say: "His tenth level Elf-wizard cast his cod-piece of power and killed my goblin-ninja." It sounds funnier when he says it because he's a complete idiot.

I got to watch The Last Kiss after that with Liz. I think she was expecting a Zach Braff romantic comedy, which most of it was. However, there was a lot of 29-life crisises going around and a few stressful moments of betrayal and heartache. Thank goodness there were boobies too. Made it all seem worthwhile. Einstein would have liked it.

Saturday was the true test of Einstein's great work. I decided that the day needed to be thoroughly wasted. I started by sleeping through much of it. Even after I couldn't sleep anymore, my scientific mind refused to give up on the experiment. I sat and watched the Simpsons for another couple hours. I could feel myself aging more rapidly than ever. My hair was growing longer, I was becoming greyer, and I'm fairly sure I wanted to play bingo very badly. Relativity be damned! This was no time to donate my body to science. Liz and I quickly left for a house-warming party. And not a moment too soon; I was beginning to think I should shop for depends.

The party itself was chock full of strangers. As our bodies had not acclimated to normal social speeds, we were still apprehensive to talk, eat, or really do anything. We paced and sat a bit but didn't talk to anyone, mostly because we only knew the hosts. Thanks to a few familiar late arrivals and a horseshoe pit, we were able to stimate our brains enough not to fall into a coma. Let it be mentioned here and now, both Liz and I SUCK at horseshoes. We were closer to killing deer than getting a single ringer.

This morning's worship service was great. We actually had many more than four people who were crazy enough to come to an 8:15 service. Good music, good people, and God who is good. A perfect way to spend the day. I felt at that moment that life according to Einstein was moving too slowly. The rest of the day was spent with my family who are brilliant physicists as well. We all spent the day speeding up time. It felt great.

Well here's a funny movie. This is a pivotal scene in the movie Zardoz when the immortal God Zardoz gives his minions guns via expectoration and tells them how evil the penis is. Look for a middle-aged Sean Connery towards the end. What awesome crap!