What are banks for?

This may be common knowledge, but I am not a morning person. It takes me 8 or 9 hits on my snooze bar to wake up, it takes me two cans of Mountain Dew to be a useful member of society, and apparently it takes me two seperate purchases to realise that I should probably destroy all things associated with my previous bank account.

As Liz and I were rounding our 9 months of marriage mark, we felt that we should take things to the next level: we decided to get a joint bank acount. This sounds like an obvious action for a married couple but you'd be surprised how much I didn't feel like doing it. Not to anthropomorphize Commerce Bank, but I had become quite attached to the fact that my tellers were in spitting distance of my workplace (not that I spit on them regularly or anything...shhhh). But eventually, laziness gave in to logic: it was less paperwork if we just had one bank between us. The represetative's name at Wachovia Bank was Beauty. It took all my effort not to say, "She's a beauty" in the most Deliverence-laden accent possible as she set up our new life's savings. But I kept my mouth shut and before I could say, "Squeal like a pig" we had our own joint checking and savings accounts. It was rough, but at least it was over and done with. I closed out both of my Commerce accounts (all 13 dollars worth...no lie) and called it a day.

That brings us to last week. I was on my way to work when it dawned on me that I had not packed any Mountain Dews for the work day ahead. This upset me as much as it could possibly affect the zombie I felt like. But as providence would have it, a 7-11 was waiting around the next turn so I prasied God...or rather hummed lowly since I was still pretty groggy. They were hiding the 12-packs in the back corner next to the ATM behind an empty stack of pallettes. For the same reason stoners can be MacGuiver when it comes to bongs, my bed-riden brain was able to swiftly seek out this stash of sugar water with no trouble. I laid the soda and a donut (for my troubles) on the counter and casually took a Visa-debit card out of my wallet and handed it to the cashier. I was pretty embarassed because I only had a dollar of cash on me. I was even more embarassed when after 5 seperate tries, my card was rejected every single time. After the sixth attempt, my heart fell. I knew that I was only going to be able to buy the donut. I surrendered the flurescent goodness and bought the donut for 79 cents. I would have traded all the king's donuts for that Mountain Dew. I angrily tried to use the ATM at the back only to realize that I had been using my old Commerce Bank checking card (on the third try, folks). You would think that was the stupid part, but you'd be wrong. The stupid part is that I didn't shred that card 6 months ago when I got my new account. The stupid part is that I left this useless piece of plastic in my wallet. I'm stupid. Oh, and you'd better believe I went back for the Dew. mmmmmm...Dew.

Later that week I received a notice from the Motor Vehicle Commision a.k.a. my arch nemesis. It told me that a check had been rejected and that if I did not pay the initial ammount plus a $25 "rejected check fee" (gay), they would suspend my driver's license indefinitely and it would cost $100 to reinstate it. You see a month and a half ago, I finally looked at my license as the officer was handing it back to me and I discovered that it was going to expire the very next week (like how I sidestepped the officer angle?). I chose that Saturday morning (at 7:45am ...ugh) to take my checkbook and get that dang thing renewed...which I did. I really did! And that was definitely the check they were saying was rejected. Did I forget to sign it? Did I fill in the wrong amount? date? temperature and humidity? I know you folks have already figured it out so it should really reflect how dumb I am to have to hear from the New Jersey Department of Revenue that Commerce Bank did not recognize the account on that particular check. I had done it again...or rather before...before the card with the...shut up! I must now hunt down and destroy a certain checkbook. Do you realize they made special hats for people like me in olden days?

I feel like both of these tragedies could have been averted had they happened after noon. But what's done is done...and very funny at my expense.

Right now, I have no time for anything except enjoying the crap out of Season Eight of the Simpsons. This may very well be the very best season of the Simpsons ever. With such quotes as:
"Sugar? [fumbles through pockets] Sugar...sugar...AH! Here you go. Sorry it's not in packets"
"Your ideas are intriguing. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter"
and my personal favorite, "Sneaking into town was worth it. That was some good corn"

How can you go wrong? If you could only buy one season, get this one. If not just for this:

My name is Jesse and I approve this message.

Time for a movie. This is the finale from Chris Bliss's juggling act. It is set to the last few cuts of Abbey Road and I think it's freaking cool. It plays kind of non-fluidic so look it up on Youtube if you really want to admire his prowess. Hey! Quit looking at his prowess, perve.